After my mother passed away , my older sister took the role of abread winner and parent at the age of 21. My mother wanted us to keep the family unit as it was and my sister kept that promise to her.
She stopped studying and found a full time job to keep a roof over our heads and food on the table.
I wanted things to remain the same for us, but I soon realized that change is inevitable.
At the age of 15, I was sent to boarding school. My younger sister and I stayed together in the dorms that first year. As she began to make friends, I struggled a bit. We were always together and I knew it was time for me to make my own friends. I am a shy and reserved person, while she is an extrovert. As she strived at school, I struggled. I hated boarding school because the friends I made were day schoolers. I did not have friends at boarding school.
A few years later she decided to go to University to study accountancy. During the holidays she would come home but she would not be there for long as she had made plans to visit her friends.
Our relationship remained the same but I sensed a change in her. I missed spending more time with her. As I held on tight to what was left of our relationship, I felt her slipping away from me. I became angry. Anger turned to feelings of resentment towards her. I doubted her love for me.
After completing her studies, she did not want to return home. I was working and had moved out of the family home, into a one bedroom apartment. I offered to share my space with her until she had decided what she wanted to do.
After spending some time in the one bedroom apartment, we found a place that had two bedrooms and moved into it immediately. We lived with each other for seven years. There were good and bad times in that apartment.
At the beginning of 2011, we had a discussion that it was time to live separately. We gave ourselves a year to find a place of our own.
The first week of January the following year, I moved into my own place, she moved into her place soon after. That first month was terrible as I was so used to having someone to talk to. We kept in touch daily on the phone but eventually I got used to living on my own.
3 years later we were celebrating her wedding when it finally hit me that life will never be the same again. It was time to let go of my sister and to start living my life. This was final and I knew I did not have a choice in the matter.
I started transferring my need of acceptance to other people in my life. Whenever I made a connection to someone, I would cling to them and hope that they will not slip away from me. When something changed in the relationship, I would feel rejected and wonder what was wrong with me that they would want to change the status quo.
I am struggling because I have always wanted people to make me happy. I want reassurance from people that I do matter.
I want to have a sense of belonging in this life.