I have had a tumultuous time this week. There were good and bad days. Wednesday was a bad day for me.  Whatever I did I could not get myself to relax. I was anxious. I lost my patience with suppliers. I lost my patience with an elderly person I was trying to help because he could not hear or understand the message I was trying to convey to him.  I took out  my frustrations on them.

I was frustrated because I was not happy. I was angry with myself. I needed to make changes and I knew there were specific areas I needed to focus on.

This is not the first time that I come face  to face or have to acknowledge the areas I am talking about. They would creep up on me, I would ignore them because I did not know how to handle them.

Herewith is the list of the areas I am talking about

1. Take a step out of your comfort zone and live life.

This has been one of the lessons I have learned this week. I have been given an opportunity to do something I first heard of two years ago. When I saw the announcement about the trip I knew I was not ready. I knew I needed time to prepare myself  financially, emotionally and mentally. I took the first step last week when I put my name down to be part of the group going on the trip.  As the time approaches there are a few things that I have thought of to try and  convince myself of not going. Some of them are , I do not deserve this trip. Will I be able to convince everyone in the group and myself that I am capable of doing this? 

On Friday during the meeting to finalize the logistics of the trip we were asked to prepare a testimony that we will be sharing with  300 people we will be meeting with at the trip. I have never spoken in front of a big crowd. I am afraid because I am not sure what I will be talking about. As the doubts crept in everything else was being sorted out for me. After the meeting on Friday  I realised that God was busy handling this trip for me. He made it possible for me to pay for the trip. I found out I was not going to be travelling with strangers. The ladies that I met months ago were going on the trip. Regarding the testimony I will prepare something during the week and just trust that whatever I have written is something that is the truth and might  give someone comfort to know that they are not alone.

2. Being comfortable with myself 

During a conversation I had with a group of people a couple of days ago I realised that I was not myself.  I wanted to find a way to fit in the group but I was not happy pretending to be someone I was not. After I spoke I felt uncomfortable. I could hear it in my voice and the way I spoke.  I could sense the discomfort in my body.  I knew I did it to impress the people in the group. I had to get involved. But I realise now that getting involved means being true to yourself instead of being  what people expect you to be.

3.  Fear

From what I could remember of my childhood until now is that I have allowed myself to be surrounded by fear.  When something good happens to me I would be afraid that the good feeling will not last for long. I  would expect something bad to happen. I try to fight myself out of the negative thoughts and focus on the good things that have happened to me. I never understood where the fear came from. I am still trying to figure this out.

4. Fear of failure

Whenever I am working on something, I start thinking of things that could go wrong or giving up before I see the project through to the end. I never allow myself to be satisfied with the work and time I put on the project. The results of my fear of failure are headaches or  anxiety from not knowing what the outcome will be.

5. The spiritual relationship I have with Christ

For the last couple of days I have been struggling with my spiritual relationship with Christ. I tried to acknowledge and thank  him when he has come through for me. This week I felt a distance between myself and Christ. I felt angry towards him. I disliked the fact that I still suffered from having negative thoughts towards myself and other people. I felt so much pressure to hold on and believe that everything will work out but holding on too tight made me resentful when things did not work out according to plan. When I attended church this week for prayer and bible studies I could not concentrate and give my heart or feelings to the messages shared with me. I could not connect with him as much I have been able to when I attended these meetings. It was difficult. It was heartbreaking. I just did not want to do anything or hear anything about the Lord this week.

6. Letting go 

I have this love and hate relationship with the people closest to me. Honestly,  hate is such a strong word, so for now I will use dislike.  Sometimes I love them, sometimes I dislike them.  I have been struggling to understand why they act the way that they do. I ask myself why they could not treat me , the way I treat them. This week I was forced to let go because of something I was told I did that irritated them. I had to accept that this is what they wanted and people are different. If I can accept them the way that they are then I could form a special bond with them knowing that we are sharing our true selves with each other . I am learning to give space and allow the people I love the most Iive their own lives.

7. Accept myself for who I am

I came to the realisation that I am not kind to myself or accepting of myself. I am looking for approval from the outside world that I have forgotten to give myself. I think the resentment I have in my life is that I cannot give myself what I give to others. I do not practice what I preach. It is easy for me to be supportive to other people while I judge my own decisions. It is easy for me to be sympathetic to others while I am cruel to myself. It is easy for me to congratulate a person on doing a good job while I criticize my work or waiting on someone else to give me the praise instead of giving it to myself.

This is my truth. I am taking it one day at a time but it is not easy. Life is difficult but worth living isn’t it? As long as you stay true to who you are. I want to start learning to do that.

Until next time

K

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