“You only have to forgive once. To resent, you have to do it all day, every day. You have to keep remembering all the bad things…I would have to make a list, a very, very long list and make sure I hated the people on it the right amount. That I did a proper job of hating, too: very Teutonic! No’ – his voice became sober- ‘we always have a choice. All of us.'” M.L Stedman Light between the oceans
When I think about what I went through last week, all I could think about is the resentment I had for people who I had assumed have hurt me. The truth is I hurt myself for holding onto the anger I felt for them and letting it control every single moment of my life. At the time I thought I had a reason to hold on to the anger. At that moment I thought it was something I needed to do but I realised how much time and energy I had wasted by focusing on what other people had done to me.
I was glad when the weekend came around because I knew at least for the next two days I will not have to deal with these people. I was looking forward to what I had planned for the weekend. Part of my plans were to visit someone closest to me who I could vent to. When I saw them I shared my truth about the whole situation. I felt better because I knew that this person cared about me. I felt better because I knew I could trust this person with what I had to say.
I left her house late in the afternoon. I got home and I went to bed early. At around midnight I woke up in a state. I woke up angry and I could not rest. I played all the emotions I felt during the week which made me angrier. I turned on the tv but there was nothing really interesting to watch so I made myself a cup of tea to sooth me. I went straight to bed and woke up in time for church.
Before I got ready for church I sat down on the couch feeling low with a heavy heart and contemplated not going to church. I wanted to lie in bed but I knew that it would not solve the problem. I stood up from where I was sitting, took out my toothbrush and started brushing my teeth, I took a shower, I made my bed and forced myself to get dressed for church.
When I was almost done I got a message that I knew would distract me from the plans I had for the day. I explained where I was going and would respond as soon as I could.
I had promised myself to respond to the message while I continued with the activities I had for the day.
After church I went to watch a movie and had lunch with a group of people I had met the previous weekend and I enjoyed every single moment of it.
After the day I had, I approached the task in a different way because I had finally made peace with what had happened during the past week.
I made a choice that evening to stop trying to change people and only focus on improving myself. I decided to start by focusing on positive thoughts and accepting people the way that they are which in turn will help me to learn to accept myself the way that I am.
As I continue on this journey I realised that dwelling in the past will not help me to move forward.
I have decided to let go and forgive to free myself from this resentment because I know I deserve better and I know in time it will get better.
Until next time