“I sit back and observe every person in my life, whether we talk everyday or not. I know who motivates me and keeps it 100. I also know who talks about me and smiles in my face. I know who I can trust and who I need to keep a distance with. Whether I say anything or let you be fake, I know.”
It is 3am in the morning. The sheets and the pyjamas I am sleeping in are wet from my sweat. I fight to sleep but the anxiety I am feeling is not allowing me to. I can feel my heart beating fast and I try to slow it down by taking long breaths. I feel that what I am doing is not working. The song I sing every night before I sleep comes into my mind and I start singing it. I become stubborn. I tell myself that no matter what I will not be controlled by my feelings and I will eventually fall asleep. I continue singing and praying and I start feeling myself drifting. I am happy about it and allow my body to relax. As I am about to fall asleep my phone rings. It is my wake up call. I set the alarm to wake me up an hour later, when it rings again I feel like I only slept for 5 minutes. I have no choice but to get up and get ready for the day.
I know what has caused the anxiety. I am angry. I am angry at myself for being in the situation that I am in. I am angry for allowing people to think that I am a doormat.
The anger that I have ignored has built up. I think of the times I have been taken advantage of. I think of the times where my kindness has been thrown in my face. I think of the times where I have been quiet when I was supposed to speak up.
I hear myself shouting at people. I hear myself saying negative things and gossiping about people. I boast about telling people off. I get tired after a while. My energy levels are low and I can feel the passion of life disappear from me.
One evening I burst into tears in front of someone. I feel tired. I know that the tears are from the frustration I feel about everything that I have gone through which I have been trying to ignore.
I couldn’t handle it anymore. My body couldn’t handle it anymore. I was handed a tissue and some vitamins to drink. I went into the house and climbed straight into bed.
I continued drinking the vitamins for a couple of days and I felt my old self again.
I noticed how I have allowed the situations in my life to affect me and have allowed them to change me into a person I dislike. I know I do not want to be that person. I know the kind of person I want to become.
I was having a conversation with someone one evening when they told me to protect myself from people who want to bring me down and open up to those who want to build me up.
It was such a coincidence as they said that because I had decided to stop expecting something from someone who is not willing to give it to me and focus on doing what was expected of me. It gave me something to concentrate and hold on to and to ignore the rest.
Until next time