I want to be honest with you. You already know what is in my heart, what is the point of lying to you? I am tired of being this kind of a person. Please understand that this is not a pity party, this is the truth. I have met so many great people in my life. I can imagine myself being a great person and making a difference in the world. The question is why is it so easy for me to say it but difficult for me to act on it and be a great person?
For many years I have allowed myself to wallow in my own distress. I have taken so many things personal, I have been holding on to too much anger thinking that this is the way I am supposed to live. The truth is I am carrying a heavy burden and it is tiring.
I am tired of self hate. I am tired of feeling sorry for myself. I am tired of thinking negative thoughts and I am tired of doubting you Lord.
I call myself a Christian but I am not a good example of a faithful servant. When I am having a good day I sing your praises but you know those days where nothing is going well I feel like you are not there. I feel like you have abandoned me.
Those days scare me because I dwell on the situation and allow it to suffocate me. I panic and I act recklessly. I ignore everything around me and focus on the situation.
How can I call myself a Christian when I panic during a storm?
I dislike being this person. I dislike my pessimism. I want to be an optimistic person. I want to be able to trust my instinct to solve the situation I am in. God you gave me a gift of life and you trust that I will be able to solve any situation I am in. I should start living like that.
I am afraid Lord because this is easier said than done.
What am I afraid of?