I have lived my life according to what society has expected of me. I have lived my life according to what I thought was true but I knew there was something missing. I have expected people to make me happy. I expected things to remain the same but as time went on things started changing. People around me were living their lives and I got angry because I felt left behind.
I wanted things to remain exactly as they were but I saw how much I was holding on and I held on too tight which caused tension in my relationships.
My anger turned into negative thoughts towards the people around me.
Anger turned into fear about losing my loved one.
Anger turned into fear of being alone.
I did not know what to do when I was alone because I defined my existence by getting involved in other people’s lives. I did not know how to take care of myself.
I realised I was scared of change. I was scared of letting go and allowing my loved ones to live a happy life. I was scared to be alone because I did not know what I needed. I did not know who I was.
This time last year I was invited to travel with the newlyweds to their in laws for the holidays. I was uncomfortable about going with but I did not want to be alone.
It was not a bad experience but I had made a decision that I will not be doing this again.
When I got a call last week inviting me again I said no. I told her that I would not be going this time around because she needed to spend time alone with her in laws.
“What are you going to do for Christmas.”
“I am going to spend it alone.”
I told her my plans for the day and asked her to understand why I was doing this. She did.
I got into my car and burst into tears. I thought I was crazy for saying I would be spending Christmas alone. I have never spent the holiday season by myself.
Everything had changed and I was angry.
I was angry for putting myself in this predicament. I was angry for saying no.
Even through the anger I knew I did the right thing. I knew it was time to stop holding on and time to let go.
I know how much they love me and they would do anything for me but I need to find out who I am without the them.
When I woke up this morning I got afraid. I could not believe I was going ahead with this but to be brave you need to do things outside your comfort zone.
There is time to change my mind but I do not want to.
Wishing you all a wonderful Christmas.