​The Christian women group which I had attended last year invited me for a meeting over the weekend. The topic of the meeting was the seasons in Life.

The discussion included 5 facts about the season of life and scriptures from the bible which I would like to share with you.

1. They are beyond my control

God controls the times and the seasons. He makes and unmakes kings.Dan 2:21 (GN)

2. They are often confusing

“God does everything just right and on time, but people can never completely understand what he is doing.” Eccl. 3:11(NCV)

3. God has a purpose for each season

“We know that all that happens to us is working for our good IF we love God and are fitting into his plans.” Rom. 8:28 (LB)

4. The seasons include both good and bad times

Eccl. 3: 2-8 “There is a time to…

be born/ die

Laugh / cry

Find / lose

Love / hate

Plant / uproot

Dance / grieve

“He made everything beautiful in its time.” Eccl 3:11

5. What I sow in one season, I’ll reap in another.

Let us not be weary in well doing; for in due season we shall reap, if we faint not.” Gal. 6:9 (KJV)

As I was sitting there and listening to the comments made I knew that somehow that message was meant for me and my situation.

What is my season right now

After the meeting it took me a few days to get into writing about the feelings of inadequacy and doubt I felt at that particular moment. I decided to write to God about how I was feeling and this is what I had to say.

Dear God

After a wonderful day spent with the ladies at the womens group I felt content and grateful that I had agreed to attend the meeting. I arrived home and started feeling a sense of panic build inside of me.  God I knew what caused it, I did what I usually do in this situation, which is to ignore the feeling and keep it locked up with the other feelings I have not dealt with.

I was scared of what was going to happen. I was scared to attend a church service after weeks of not stepping foot in a church. I did not want to go because I felt alone and lost at a church that had so many members. At the end I made up my mind to go even though I was against the idea.

I went to church in the morning and sat at the back. I joined in the praise and worship. I felt happy for a while but there were moments when I did not feel up to singing. I felt tired and angry. I felt some anger towards you as well Lord.

After the service I returned home and took a nap as I did not sleep well the night before. I woke up to stretch my legs and I felt that feeling of panic come back stronger than before. I sat down on the bench and I wondered what else I was afraid of.

It hit me that I was afraid of what I would expect the next day. The feeling of panic came from the treatment I received on Friday.

God, I wondered why he would treat me this way. Why did he turn on me like he did and what had I done to him to receive such treatment from him?

I struggled to get the answers. I hated feeling this way. These feeling have been the centre of my weekend. I did not understand why I had allowed myself to be trapped in the bad space. God, I wondered why I could not relax in my home?

Before I could turn in for the night I put my thoughts down on paper and asked you to please take over the feelings of inadequacy and doubt from my heart.

I mentioned what I was afraid of and acknowledged the fear.

I woke up the next day and started my morning pages.  All I wanted to achieve with these pages was to release the thoughts I had. I desperately wanted it to work.

It was a busy day and I did not have a chance to think about what I wrote or what I was afraid of. I saw him and greeted him. We continued with the day as if nothing had happened and I was left alone, in return I left him alone. The day went smoothly without any problems and I wanted to say thank you Lord for the day I had.

As I was driving home I was uncomfortable behind the wheel. I was shaking and I thought I might cause an accident. I was afraid to get involved in an accident again, as you know of the one that happened a few years ago.

Ever since that accident I have never been comfortable behind the wheel. I have good and bad days when it comes to driving and today was a bad day. I was grateful when I reached home safely. I wanted to thank you for keeping me safe on the road in that state Lord. I wanted to thank you for keeping the other road users safe as I drove in that state.

Prayer of the day: These are not my words but at this moment they resonate with how I feel and what I hope I will remember during the seasons of my  life.