I wanted a reason why I went through what I went through the past two weeks. I asked God why I had to go through it but I did not get an answer from him immediately.

Saturday morning I woke up with a feeling of peace. I took a moment and said out loud, I accept this peace.

The answer I was looking for came from the theme of our discussion at our third meeting. 

The message of the day was the path to personal peace.

The 3 lessons on peace were as follows:

1. Accept what cannot be changed.

“I have learned to be satisfied with the things I have and with everything that happens. I know how to live when I am poor, and I know how to live when I have plenty. I have learned the secret of being happy at anytime in everything that happens. I can do all things through Christ, because he gives me strength.” Phil 4:11-13

2. Trust in God’s loving care

“You, Lord, give true peace to those who depend on you because they trust you.” Isa 26:3

3. Surrender to God’s loving control

“If a person’s thinking is controlled by his sinful self, then there is death. But if his thinking is controlled by the Spirit, then there is life and peace.” Rom 8:6

Dear God,

I wrote those feelings down. I allowed myself to see the words after I wrote them on paper.  I allowed myself to feel those feelings and I was honest enough. It is time to let go. It is time to set myself free from the guilt I have been feeling for the past week and a half. After I read them out loud  and saw what was eating me inside, I deleted them. 

I needed to because I did not want to be reminded of the week I had. I did not want to carry the burden anymore. It is not fair to do that to myself and I am grateful for the courage to let go and set myself free. I deserve to be at peace and I know that holding on to the notes would not set me free. I would like to apologise for not seeing it sooner. I would like to apologise for allowing myself to feel that way.

I tried to sort out my feelings in my own way. I thought it was the only way and I believed it. I believed it when something said I was not good enough or I was a burden. I believed it when something said I deserved to be angry. I believed that this was the only way I could live. I do not want to live this way any longer. I am tired of it.

I thought that others deserved to be happy. I would see them laughing and enjoying their lives. I craved happiness in my life. I would do something to numb the sadness and what I am used to, is not working anymore.

I realised I did not want to  be honest with myself and the only way to get to that happy place starts with honesty.

You are forcing me to get out of the darkness and into the light. For that I am truly grateful.

I have taken such a long time and everyday I am given a chance to make a decision to live my life differently and I am grateful for that.