Dear Mama

I have spoken to you in my heart. Today I want to do things differently. You have been a part of my life, it might not have been in the physical sense but you have always been there.

There are few things I would like to share with you, request  guidance and answers to some of the questions I have for you.

Mistakes – I would like to take this 
opportunity to apologise for being reckless in my life. I am sorry for those moments where I was an embarrassment to you. I know in those moments I would not have been able to look at your face,  knowing that I had caused the look of disappointment in your eyes. 

Every day I try to learn from my mistakes. I try to live a good life and I hope when you think of me, thoughts of pride come into your mind.

Am I living the life you dreamed for me? Are you proud of me?

Achievements – There is a moment in my life I will always be fond of. I remember how as a struggling student I would be ashamed to bring my exam papers home, I would throw them away or forge your signature because I did not want to be a disappointment to you.  You always reminded me that I could achieve a lot of things through hard work. I remember how you would encourage me to give of my best. Even though I did not believe in myself, you never allowed me to dwell in my doubt. Your encouragement led me to my first A on a subject. I was so proud to bring that paper home and I would never forget the smile on your face when you held it in your arms.

I would remind myself of that moment whenever I wanted to achieve something in my life. I would remind myself that I once achieved something impossible and your words,  whatever I wanted was possible through hard work and determination rang through my mind.

I thank you for giving me that moment.

I thank you for your love, kindness and encouragement. 

I thank you for your belief in me.

Relationship with loved ones – Question, How did you handle relationships with the ones you loved? How did you take a step back and allow your loved ones to live their own lives and not worry too much about them? 

I look at my life right now and I know this is one of the things I need to work on. I have been told numerous times that I have so much love for family that I would literally die for them and also a warning that I will be no use to anyone unless I take care of myself. 

How do I do that without feeling the guilt of looking after myself while I have other people to think about? 

The truth is, they are old enough to think for themselves and make a decision that best suits their lives. I have so much worry for others that I forget about myself. How do I learn to take a step back when I am so used to doing things for others? 

I know this will free me from so much worry and responsibility for people who are capable of taking care of themselves.

Love – This is so embarrassing…. We never had an opportunity to talk about boyfriends. Okay, I can’t talk to you about this right now. 

I miss you terribly. I wish I could have had more time to know you better and time to have learned from you.

Every day I look at friends who have a good relationship with their mothers and I wonder what our relationship would be like today.

I am grateful for the time I was given to spend with you. I am grateful for knowing something about you and what you looked like. You were a gift in my life and  I will treasure the memories we shared together for the rest of my days.

Today is one of those days where my thoughts of you intensifies.

Happy Birthday Portia Mosili Mayaba.

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