Death scares me. 

The first time I experienced the loss of a loved one was  22 years ago, the loss of my mother. I never wanted to go through that kind of pain again, unfortunately life does not work out that way. In the last couple of days I have received calls and messages about people I know who are no longer with us. My body goes numb and I am reminded of what I went through 22 years ago. The pain is unbearable. I am reminded of how death steals your joy of life away.

The wedding invitations were ready and she asked me to come along with her as she wanted to deliver them personally. We gave her a call to let her know we were coming through. She was at work but assured us that she can fit us in her schedule. 

As we arrived at her place of work she was busy relaxing a young girl’s  hair when she excused herself. She greeted us with a hug and commented on how grown we were.

We told her the reason of our visit and handed her the wedding invitation. She was excited and shocked that the youngest in the family was getting married.

“I wouldn’t miss it for the world” we heard her say. She couldn’t speak to us for long as she had to return to her client. We thanked her for seeing us and told her we would see her at the wedding.

A few months passed after that meeting, I remember sitting across from her at the wedding. She was so happy to be there. That was the last time I saw her.

The message came through Wednesday morning. I was shocked and I could not believe she was gone. She was not only my sister’s best friend or family hairdresser, she was a part of the family.

She saw my younger sister and I grow up to be the women we are today. She was a part of of our lives. She was proud of us.

I remember her laughter and joy. Her laughter was contagious. She was the life of the party. 

I remember times in December where we would close the salon for the staff year end party. Even though we were young at the time they allowed us to tag along.

I remember how scared I was when I made her angry. I have never seen her mad and I thought she would hit me for disrespecting her the way I did.

I sit here and wonder what her dreams were. 

I sit here and wonder if she was fulfilled and happy about how her life turned out. 

Did she have any regrets? Was she ready to go?

I think that’s what scares me about death. How do you know if you are living your best life? This is the question I can only answer.

All I know is that I want to live. I still have so much to do and this is the only place I know. 

I am scared of not having enough time to fulfill my goals. I am scared of leaving, not having achieved what I want out of life.

I am scared leaving, as a failure. There it is, I have said it.

Every time something like this happens, I am reminded of the limited time I have on this earth. I tell myself, I will do things differently but fall back into my old habits. 

I want to live my life differently. I want to learn how to do that .

I want to do it for her.

I want to do it for myself.

 

I thank you Lord for the moments I shared with her.

I thank you for letting our path cross and a few lessons I have learned from her over the years.

Khosi, I thank you for the love, joy  and laughter you brought in my life.

Khosi, I thank you for being a part of my life and I am proud to call you a sister.

May your soul rest in peace, Khosi.

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