On saturday I went to my first social in weeks. I felt heavy for leaving the comfort of my home but I promised I would go and knew I needed to get out of the house. I went to the monthly Christian women’s  group and the topic of the day was 

God is for us.

The host gave us a sheet of paper with bible verses which we read and had a conversation about.

One verse that stood out to me was from Hebrews 13:5-6

“For He [God] Himself has said, I will not in any way fail you not give you up nor leave you without support. [I will] not, [I will] not, [I will] not in any degree leave you helpless nor forsake, nor let [you] down (relax my hold on you)! [Assuredly not!]. So we take comfort and are encouraged and confidently and boldly say, The Lord is my helper; I will not be seized with alarm [I will not fear or dread or be terrified]. What can man do to me?”

I looked at the women in that room. I let the feeling of pure faith in that room fill me up.  I wish I had the faith I saw in that room.

As I let the thought sink in, my heart filled up with emotions and I allowed them to take over. Tears welled up in my eyes but I did not allow them to fall. 

On Sunday I woke up with a worship song in my heart, What a beautiful name by Hillsong. I did not go to church that morning.

I want to put you first Lord, I heard myself say. I knew that in the past couple of months I have not been going to church for the right reasons. I was distracted. My focus was on other things and not on the Lord.

Romans 8:31 “What then shall we say to [all] this? If God is for us, who [can be] against us? [Who can be our foe, if God is on our side?]”

The scripture asks if God is for us , who can be against us? At the moment I am fighting myself. I am against myself. God is for me, he loves me. I know I have not reciprocated that love. People have said that God loves you regardless of what you do. I understand that and I receive it.  

Why can’t I give him the same love?

Why can’t I love him unconditionally?

I noticed that when I started attending church I went there without expectations. I remembered how welcoming God was to me. 

I have not put him first during this journey. I have been going to church wanting something from God and the church.

I started doing everything possible to get close to what I wanted, I pretended to be someone I am not. I forgot why I was there in the first place. I could sense the distance, the separation from the relationship I was building with God.

I lost focus.

God, was not the centre of my attention. 

I want to put you first Lord.

I want to give myself the time to focus on my relationship with God. I cannot do it with so many distractions I allow in my heart. Church is part of the community I need to get involved in as part of my Christian journey in my relationship with God.

I cannot do it on my own though. God I am asking for your help please. Please help me  shift my focus and direct it only to you.

I want to put you first Lord.